The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
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Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!