*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
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OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
That lamp looks PISSED.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
When they try to steal your moment.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”