*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
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ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.