[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.