Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
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Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?