5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
You Might Also Like
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
iPhone X
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
People buying plungers never look happy.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
screw you
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I gave up going to work for lent.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready