Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
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I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.