G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
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[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?