I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
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Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road