Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
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Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
this independent good boy don’t need no human
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.