My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
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Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Aight bet
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.