I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*