Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
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Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
We need more people like this.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
oh you wanna fight?!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”