I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
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Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
This is hilarious….
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect