My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
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Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Nothing.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.