R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
You Might Also Like
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax