prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”