I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
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I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.