witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
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I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.