“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
You Might Also Like
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
A dad and his duck
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*