Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
You Might Also Like
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.