A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
You Might Also Like
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father