Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
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Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad