[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
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My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*