I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
You Might Also Like
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
saw this in a dream