If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
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I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
bought wrong eggs
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.