Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?