Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
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Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
hackers play passwordle
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar