“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
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Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.