You Might Also Like
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?