ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
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The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Fries, not lies.
pls suprot
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji