I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
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I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
The devil.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try