The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I see your IQ test came back negative
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
it was a valiant fight
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”