878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I forgot how to panic. Help
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them