STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
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Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.