I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
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I just ran a .003048K
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want