FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
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I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.