getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
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“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*