[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
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Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash