5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
You Might Also Like
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
“i am a sweet baby”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.