Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Choose your fighter
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.