I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.