Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
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One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
my professor scared me for a second
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day