him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
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Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.