A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
You Might Also Like
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
happy valentine’s day to me