Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
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*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Ovenable?
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.