Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
You Might Also Like
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
That took me a moment.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.