By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Squirrels before girls.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Lmao the reply
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
lmao
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Crying is a sign of leakness.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.