she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Thursday
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”