BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
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6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Autocorrect completely socks
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.